Alice In Wonderhell Read online

  “As you recall, you asked for a few favors,” Virgil told me.

  “What? You mean you want me to repay for Dana? I don’t think it works that way.”

  Keep in mind, I didn’t believe him but was arguing the one point I could, “I mean, yes, I asked a favor, and I will repay but come on….”

  “And Dana should pay, not Alice, I mean if this were real, she should,” Cory said, “no offense, Dana.”

  “I vote Dana does it, too,” Pax said.

  “Thanks a lot. But he said Alice, not me,” Dana said.

  “You don’t get to vote,” Coral told us, “and Danny, that isn’t fair. You aren’t supposed to add that in.”

  Danny shrugged, “Sorry. She asked why….”

  Coral nodded, “And the answer is because you are dependable, honest, and loyal, and once you set your mind to something, you do it, Alice. I think underneath your ineptitude and apathy, you have the makings of a fine warrior. You’ve just never had a goal.”

  A warrior?That was funny. And by the way, I didn’t give a flying rat’s ass about goals. Seriously. I didn’t know if that were a compliment or not, what Coral said.I doubted it was.

  Cory laughed at me, “Warrior. Rip and tear, Alice….”

  Cory asked what reward I got if I did it. He was always about the rewards.

  Danny blinked, “Well, I could maybe get you a small reward, Alice, if you insisted on one,” he said it as if I had asked, which I hadn’t. I kicked Cory.

  I told Danny that I couldn’t neglect work to traipse through hell, and in actuality I wasn’t interested in the adventure, but Coral considerately said I could take time off.

  I said I wasn’t in shape; Coral said he could get me ready in four weeks, in plenty of time for a trip south. I said I was terrible with directions and would get lost in hell, and Coral offered to accompany me on my excursion.

  I couldn’t catch a break.

  I said I didn’t want to go. There. That was the nut of the matter.

  Danny nodded and stood, “Then, my work here is finished. Thank you for hearing us out anyway, Alice.”

  “That’s all? You’ll find someone else?” I asked. That was easy. If this were real, which it was not, they could find someone else and save the world, and my life could go on as plainly as before they showed up. Fantastic.

  “Oh, no, there is no one else. You were actually our second choice since the first choice got into some trouble and doesn’t have a clean enough slate to possibly go and make it back out.”

  Second choice? Well.

  “ Alice, your apathy and lack of adventure has reserved you from getting into the majority of trouble that teens and young adults get into; you are nearly faultless as far as having no bad tick marks on your tally sheet.”

  “Then, you missed when I cheated on a math quiz in tenth grade, shoplifted a candy bar, but returned it the next day…oh, and I lied to Ronnie, the police officer about my blinkers once,” I confessed.

  “I’ll go,” Cory said.

  “Thank you, Cory. That’s kind of you to offer, but you have quite a few black marks against you, and I don’t think you could do this alone. Had Alice taken the quest and you had gone along, I could have gotten you a fresh slate, but she has said, ‘No.’ ”

  “Thanks a lot, Alice.” Cory pushed my feet away. “Now, I am stuck with black marks I can’t get rid of. Are they serious?”

  “Ummm. I’m not supposed to say, but you are at the edge. If I could gamble and not get a tick mark for it, I would bet that you, Cory, will end up…ummm, down south.”

  “Great, I’m going to hell, Alice.”

  I clenched my jaw. This was the most insane conversation I had ever been a part of, and Cory ‘s going along with it made me almost bothered.

  Why was it my fault he was going to hell?

  “Could I get my marks wiped away?” Dana asked, “I’ll go if you want.”

  I saw her bottom lip was actually quivering. What the hell? Pardon the pun. Dana never got upset, but she looked flustered by this. Scared.

  “Sorry. Again, only if you went along with Alice.” Danny gave Coral a sad look. “Sorry, Coral. Maybe you’ll find another way to get your records expunged.”

  “This isn’t fair to try to guilt me into it with my friends,” I argued. I looked at Cory and amended my statement, “Well, with some of my friends and some just people I work with.” Dana’s frightened look worried me. Danny said Coral had black marks as well? For what?

  I saw something that caught my attention and motioned Danny to lean closer to me and show me his hand. If he had refused, I was just concerned enough now that I would have jumped up and grabbed his hand.

  Remember I mentioned his fingers had extra joints? What I saw was this: his hands also were smooth on the palms except for a few round callused areas, like the pad of a dog’s foot. Or like a cat’s foot. Or like a rabbit’s foot.As I traced the odd hands with my fingertips, curious for the first time in my life, Danny pulled out an old-fashioned pocket watch that he looked at before shoving it back into the pocket of his pants.

  “Oh, dear, oh dear, I shall be too late,” he said, and this time, I was sure his right ear wiggled a little.

  Virgil nodded sagely.

  The pocket watch, an antique, I thought, was so out of place and stranger than the multi-jointed fingers, twitching ear, and Danny’s eye patch.

  Chapter 5: Let’s Get the Girl and Save the World

  I sat back all at once, my jaw hanging open. I am sure I had never expressed that amount of shock. All at once, I knew this was not a joke or a figment of someone’s imagination. It hit me full force that everything was absolutely true.

  Now that, as you can bet, put a little different spin on everything I had heard. “Wait, Danny, when the dead walk the earth, what will they do?”

  “Ummm. They will eat the living. Didn’t you see George Romero’s film about that? Quite well done and frightening.”

  “It was just a movie about zombies.”

  Limmerfer chuffed; it was as if he were laughing.

  “Oh, it was supposed to show a warning; no wonder people didn’t take it to heart if you thought it was just a movie. It makes me wonder why the Holy Movie Makers worked so hard on that if no one believed.”

  “Holy Movie Makers? They exist?”

  “A few. The other side gets them a lot of the time, too,” Danny muttered. “And to answer your question, they’ll attack people, bite them, and feast on their guts, and they’ll spread the rot until everyone is consumed or is walking around in a zombie daze. That was just like the movie showed.”

  “So if I don’t go, then I’ll wind up battling zombies? Here? That sucks, Danny.Some of these rules aren’t fair. I’m tempted to go with you, find BBDU, and stake him through the gut.”

  “Is that interest from our Alice?” Cory laughed.

  Danny and Virgil looked questioningly at me. On the other side, Coral sat up again, hope filling his face.

  “My mom and dad could never handle zombies. They would really lose it,” I said, “and I have the greatest parents on earth.”

  “Yes, you do. They have no tick marks against them,” Virgil said, nodding.

  “Well?” Coral asked.

  I smiled a little, “Well, count me in. Let’s get the girl out and save the world.”

  To my surprise, Cory, Annie, Dana, and Coral cheered.

  Danny grinned wider, and I noticed how long his front teeth were. Really, he was an odd looking fellow. Danny and Coral put their heads together, planning something about my training that I chose to ignore because it sounded a lot like work to me.

  Annie and Pax asked if they could go, and I said sure, the more the merrier, I thought.

  Annie whispered to me that she had a little problem sometimes with taking things, things that weren’t hers, and she might want to wipe off a few black marks on her own record.

  It sounded as if no one were going actually to help me and protect me; they all wante
d to clear their own records and go for themselves. That was all right because other than my parents, no one particularly did anything to help me, so it wasn’t anything I expected. But still.

  “I like that pocket watch,” I said softly.

  Annie whispered a giggle back to me, “Me, too.”

  If it went missing, I knew where to look. My adventure was about to begin.

  Chapter 6: Training

  I’ve never been the athletic type. Frankly, I prefer to watch other people sweat. That’s why I have ten, okay, I won’t lie, twenty pounds to work off in the next four weeks, which is a lot of weight. I wasn’t chunky, but I was soft if you get my meaning. I had pudge around my middle.

  Coral began by making us run.

  “Run? No. I can’t.” I had driven over to the park and scuffed the ground with my sneakers, making circles in the dirt. Coral motioned me to join him, and for a little while, we walked. Then, we jogged, and I groaned and complained. Jogging bounced my head around.

  Coral stopped and had me stretch for a while. I raised my arms and pushed them back and forwards like he showed me. I kicked my legs out to the side and to the back with Coral steadying me like a ballet dancer. I rotated my body. Ouch. Everything pulled.

  We ran a little ways. We stretched again. I was young and had few bad habits, and my body remembered it was young, basically well fed with good food, and had stamina from long hours on my feet.

  The next day, we ran more and lifted weights even though I was sore. Do you think Coral cared or accepted my excuses? Nope.

  I hated every second. Coral called it endurance, and I called it torture because half the time, I puked.

  He said it was hard on him as well since he hadn’t trained in a long time. Ha ha. He deserved the pain.

  Sometimes Pax ran with me, and sometimes one of the others had to do it. Luckily, the more I ran, the better I was, and after two weeks, I didn’t throw up all the time but still huffed and puffed.

  I wore leg weights strapped to my ankles almost always, so when I removed them to run, I felt lighter on my feet. I was running faster and longer. Sometimes the cat, Limmerfer, ran with me, which was very queer, but then he wasn’t like any cat I had ever met.

  Oh, I gave up smoking, too.

  Coral put me on strict diet, but I loved it. I could have all the raw vegetables I wanted, so I gorged on tomatoes and cucumbers. I became a gazpacho addict. I learned to eat carrots dipped in Coral’s famous salsa; Danny was big-time into carrots. I ate Coral’s garlic dill pickles, black beans, and lean proteins. I had no sugar and almost no carbs on my new diet.

  Coral managed my physical abilities, teaching me how to kick and fight, which I have to admit, was fun.

  Danny said I would have some challenges, and I learned all kinds of fancy moves to kick ass.I learned a great tuck and roll that I enjoyed doing all over the place. My dad could only wonder when I did my rolls across the front lawn.

  Danny told me from minute one that he had some magic tricks up his sleeve, but I didn’t believe him, as you know I didn’t. I figured it was pretend.

  Danny fed me special vitamins that increased my energy level, and he had me lie on the grass or floor or wherever was handy, and he massaged my temples and softly talked really low. Now, I know you’re thinking about those weird fingers rubbing on my temples and shivering because yes, I got the heebie jeebies when he first did it.

  Dana and the rest were around, so I gave it a try even if it were eerie.

  I had to lie on my back in a dimly lit room while he rubbed my head. I got sleepy and drifted half-asleep. I guess it was hypnosis, but it was relaxing.

  I always felt refreshed afterwards, and Danny told me…get this…that he was implanting memories of fighting and beating up demons and bad guys. Crazy, huh?

  But each time I practiced with Coral, I was better and better at blocking punches and could finally take him down within seconds. Danny said my head and body remembered (falsely in my opinion) that I was a warrior.

  Me? A warrior? Too funny.

  Danny turned out to be like a fussy aunt, and he measured me a lot and complained about my hair and said I was two inches too short.

  I am only five feet five. My hair is dull black, but Danny sat and brushed it when he was preparing me for my trip, and somehow my hair began to fall glossy and rich on my shoulders. That made me happy because I knew that it looked wonderful.

  He promised me a great surprise on the day I was to go to hell.

  Virgil spent a lot of time giving me pep talks and holding my hair back for me when I puked from working out. He was the one I confided my fears too because he didn’t try to change my mind but agreed it was a daunting, dangerous task before me.I had to be at the top of my game or I would fail, not only for my friends and me but also for the world.

  Gee, no pressure.

  Chapter 7: My Team: Ready for Hell

  I liked Danny. He was funny and interesting. He was an enigma. I liked my team. Virgil, though, he was one I didn’t know how to assign an emotion to. I was frightened because I felt, in many ways, I needed him as a friend; he was filling a void in my life that I had not know was there.

  One afternoon, we took off and went to a movie, just us. We needed the break. I pretended it was a date and laughed and had fun, and you know what? It was fun. He knew me well.I felt comfortable. It was just nice to pretend everything was normal but better than just normal and I was out with a handsome man who liked me in that way.

  Maybe that is silly, but it was my silly.

  I was prepared as possible.

  We met in the park where I often trained.Annie, Pax,Coral, Dana, and Cory were there, ready to go. I admired their outfits, even if I weren’t into fashion. They had on leather pants or shorts, jackets and boots, except for Danny who wore a longer jacket and a very British-looking, grey plaid vest and a top hat. It was better than the tight pants and rocker tee shirt.

  His right ear waggled.

  Virgil looked like a western gunfighter, only hotter with his leather, boots, and hat. But I tried not to notice that part.

  Limmerfer had been brushed until he was glossy; his white patches almost glowed. Across his upper back, around his chest, and under his front legs, he wore a cute tiny vest with tiny pockets, and he didn’t mind it at all.

  They looked like fighters.

  Danny handed me a big, heavy box, and despite myself, I felt a thrill of excitement. Inside, neatly folded was the outfit I would wear. “Let’s get you changed and then into this box,” he said as he motioned to another box, “we’ll get you set with weapons.”

  I was excited. Danny motioned me into a small blue tent.

  I hope you can see why I had changed my views. I was interested, and I worked hard to train. Why? Because I had to. If not me, there was no one else who could take my place. Always, I had to do things because there was no one else.

  Dana had to help me get into the corset. It was well made and fit me like a glove, white with black trim and tiny white and black satin bows down the front.

  The best part was it made my boobs look a lot bigger. I put on the leather boy shorts, black and white thigh-high stockings, and the greatest boots ever: they were black, soft leather, and came to my knees. They were flat heeled with extra tread so I looked taller. If one is to get a make over, then it should be extreme.

  Next, I had a thin coat that fit perfectly and flowed and waved. It was cornflower blue and matched my eyes perfectly. I slipped on black, fingerless gloves and took a deep breath, “Well?”

  “You look bad ass,” Dana said.

  I walked out of the tent, and all stared. Oh no, I thought. Maybe I looked terrible and was still too flabby for this outfit, but no, they were all smiling and nodding with appreciation. Pax whistled. Virgil’s eyes twinkled.

  Danny motioned me over to a mirror. It was a big one set into a frame of polished honey-oak, and when he tilted it just so, I could see my entire self. My reflection looked shocked.


  Who was this girl with the clear, fine white skin, big blue eyes, and flowing black hair? I moved a foot, and so did she, (the girl in the mirror). I raised a hand, and so did she. The warrior I saw was I!

  Danny strapped knives on my thighs and added a bag to my belt.

  “Are you ready Alice?”

  “I am,” I said, unsure if I were or not.

  Each of us wore similar silver chains around our necks with iolite knotted in the strands of silver, used to travel more easily.

  Danny handed me a ring made of silver, which actually was two thin bands joined by an emerald cut stone of iolite, a blue-purple stone.I slid it on my finger; it was what I was to give to the girl when we found her. Limmerfer wore a narrow collar with one stone set in silver.

  “Let’s do it. Umm…Danny, how do we get there?” It was only now and after weeks of training and toning my body (I lost those twenty pounds plus seven more) that I wondered how we were supposed to get to hell. It’s not something you commonly think about or want to do, right?

  Danny grinned and motioned us to follow him. There was a small hole under a willow tree, like a rabbit’s hole, only bigger. “This is how we go. Take a leap.” With a snappy salute, Danny hopped right into the hole and vanished; the cat was right behind.

  I shrugged and followed, and my friends joined me.

  Just like that, we were off to hell.

  Chapter Eight: Down the Rabbit Hole to Hell

  I fell for a long time. What? You didn’t think hell was down? I fell for so long that I got sleepy and wondered if I would go right through the world and pop out in Australia or somewhere like that. I had no idea what they ate in Australia, but I was getting hungry, and I might find some really strange food when I landed.

  I worried for my mother and father and wondered if they would miss me, even if Danny had explained that time wouldn’t be the same for me as it was for up there. But anyway, besides the time issues and the food, I worried if my coat was wrinkled or what hell was going to be like.