Alice In Wonderhell Read online

  Then he told us his name was Danny as he pulled a chair from under a table, flipped it around, and sat on it backwards so his chin rested on the high metal bar that was the back of the chair.

  I was quite sure his tight pants would burst a seam, but he didn’t indicate it had happened. The other man sat down next to him; his name was Virgil, which was a fitting name for a cowboy. They said the cat was Limmerfer, an odd name.

  “Well, have yourself a seat,” Pax said as he locked eyes with me.

  I shrugged. I didn’t ask the men to sit with us.

  Danny picked up the paper covering from one of our straws and began meticulously folding it like an accordion, and that’s when we noticed his fingers were very long, too long.

  I blinked my eyes and looked again to be sure, but yes, each finger had an extra joint. Imagine a normal hand, or look at your own. Now, imagine that between your first and second joints is another finger bone and joint, about half as long as the second one.

  I’ll wait until you do that.

  Right. So it looked kind of strange but also cool in a way. He caught us looking at his long fingers and grinned, “I know. It’s pretty awesome, isn’t it?”

  “Awesomesauce,” Dana said, kind of rudely. She was making fun of his way of speaking. She had gone off to college for a few years and then returned, claiming she hated the whole ordeal.

  She claimed she would rather wait tables the rest of her life than go to another party or sit in a class of a hundred students, listening to a dull lecture.

  I had missed her when she was away, but she hadn’t called or even kept in touch as she had promised when she was gone.

  Once back, she didn’t talk much about what all she had done while she was away but just said she hated it. But since she had left the town and lived in another place, she was as close to a worldly friend as we had. If she thought his terminology was uncool, then it probably was.

  Dana deliberately blew smoke close to Danny and flicked her ashes so she missed the ashtray, but the man never said a word to her. He watched me light up and made me feel creepy-crawly. We didn’t know what to talk about now that two strange men and a cat had joined us at our table.

  Chapter 2 :Errand: to Hell and Back

  Coral came from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a towel and grinning until he saw Danny. The grin kind of rolled off his face, and he looked more resigned than glad to see the man. With a sigh, Coral sat in the booth beside us and peered over the back. He pushed the table to the other side so he could fit his still-massive frame comfortably in the space.

  “Hi ya, Danny,” Coral said.

  Danny grinned, “Why, hello, Coral. You knew I’d be here. Be happy.”

  That kind of worried me. It was something eerie like a mob member might say. Was Danny in the mafia? Nah, not dressed that way, he couldn’t be. “Danny said he came to see me,” I told Coral.

  “Yep, I was expecting him and Virgil. Kind of was hoping he might forget to show up or change his mind,” Coral said, as if Danny couldn’t hear us.

  We glanced at Danny to see how he took that comment, but he didn’t seem to care. He kept folding his little paper and testing it. Virgil looked more interested, considering every word, and he watched me a lot, pretending not to.

  “Well, tell me why you’re here, Danny. I wanna head on home and get some sleep,” I said, “I don’t like surprises.”

  Danny dropped the paper and tilted his head, “Now that we’re all here, I can tell you that I came to get you so you can run a most important errand.”

  Cory and Pax almost fell over laughing, and Annie giggled again. Dana and I looked at one another until I began laughing, too,

  “Oh really? Well, I’m not energetic enough to run an errand for you, so you better ask someone else, Danny. Sorry.”All this drama about some errand?How silly. And you’d think maybe it was some big secretive errand such as running drugs or moonshine for all the drama, but then I knew Coral wouldn’t be a part of that.

  I did manage to catch Coral’s eyes, wondering what part he played in all this. I wasn’t bothered by the fact that we had all laughed in Danny’s face but did wonder why Coral was part of this. Had it all ended there and had I never been given an explanation, I would have been fine. See? Totally uninterested about life.

  Coral nodded, “I guess there’s no easy way for Danny to ask you, but he’s trying, Alice. Hear him out anyway, okay? Let him tell you about this errand because it really is critical.”

  Danny leaned forward as if he had a great secret to share, “Alice, we need you to run a very important errand to hell and back.”

  I made a little noise. Well, that was strange thing to say to me. I almost laughed. How dramatic. To hell and back. “Well, I see. So, really…what errand and where?”

  Danny cocked his head to one side, “As I said. It’s to hell and back. Quite literally, we need you to enter hell, deliver something to someone, and then, well, hopefully if everything goes right, to come back; then, you can go on just as you are.”

  “I dunno. Hell, huh?” I laughed. “That’s a long way, I bet.”

  “I know a shortcut,” said Danny and winked.

  “Coral, come on. This isn’t like you to joke around,” I berated my boss. He was a nice man, sometimes kind of funny for an old guy (he was fortyish which to me was ancient) and always laughed, but he wasn’t a practical joker, so this was out of character. Why were they pulling a prank on me of all people? It wasn’t as if I were the sort to appreciate it. What was going on?

  Coral studied his fingernails, “It’s not a joke. Danny thinks I can get you prepared physically to run the errand. I remember how to work out.”

  “To run an errand to hell? Work out? As in weights and running? No way. It’s me you are talking to.” I finished his sentence, yawning.

  As you have no doubt realized, I was happily bored, still, and simply not interested in this discussion; I wanted it to be over so I could get some sleep. This was a waste of time.

  “Exactly,” said Danny.

  “Does anyone else feel like this conversation is a little weird? I mean, if I were stoned or drunk…maybe….” Cory said.

  “I know it’s strange, and, of course, you don’t believe this is true, but Danny and Virgil really are here to ask for the help. Alice, you don’t have to do it. It’s totally up to you, but if you decide to do it, I could help you train for it,” Coral told me.

  I looked at Virgil. He didn’t say anything about all this, but he listened and nodded sometimes; he watched me carefully. It made me feel weird to have him appraising me.

  “Slow down. Why ask Alice? And why would she have to train? What kind of errand? And why does it have to be run? You can’t just ask without giving us some details,” Dana said, practical as always. I could see that, unfortunately, she was interested in hearing this out.

  “Ah, yes, details,” Danny said.

  I swear I thought I saw his right ear twitch. Virgil saw it twitch too because he was looking at his buddy when it happened. When he glanced at me, he knew I had seen, too, and as we met eyes, we both suppressed laughs.

  “There was a slight mistake made. It really never happens, but this time…it did,” Danny told us.

  Coral nodded.

  “Many of those who go to hell are quite deserving of the punishment and are very evil people whom you know as mass murderers, serial killers, child molesters, and rapists.Then, you get the little people who are kind of bad like politicians, suicides without cause, dinosaurs, thieves, hookers, drug users, long-tongued liars, and false prophets. Next, you have those who serve tea improperly, adulterers, ramblers and gamblers, and wife beaters.”

  “Dinosaurs?” Pax burst out.

  “Tea?” Annie asked

  Danny nodded solemnly, “The stubby armed ones are particularly evil. Dinos, I mean. The tea thing would take hours to explain, and hot tea and cups and…well…it has to do with a lot of other issues. Spiders and scorpions, snakes, and other bea
sties are there, too.”

  We looked at one another in surprise.

  “All of that…well, there have been a lot of people over the years, so hell is very full. Too full, in fact.”

  “Hell can get too full?” Pax asked Danny.

  “Certainly. The last few years have been busy with intakes, but you know the saying ‘when there is no more room in hell, the dead shall walk the earth’?It’s like that.

  Chapter 3: Technically, Hell Is Full: One Too Many

  Hell is full, and some are worried that the dead will have to walk the earth; this could get complicated and messy.” Danny waved his hands as if that explained everything to us.

  “Oh, like zombies?” My head buzzed with all that he had said. I was really still back on dinosaurs and tea, but the dead walking around jumped ahead in my mind.

  “Sort of,” Virgil told Cory. He hadn’t said much, but he had a very nice voice, such as the kind that you would want to read a bedtime story to you.

  Danny continued. He said the Big Boss Down Under(which was how he called Satan so as not to call his name aloud) was working on an expansion, and it would hold a few million more souls, but for now, everything was on hold because technically, hell was full. The waiting room was really getting stuffy.

  A big debate was going on about whether the dead could walk the earth yet. Both sides were waiting for there to be a decision made.

  “Can’t…you know…?” Cory pointed upwards. “Decide it?”

  “You’d think there would be rules set for everyone to follow, even the angels, because after all, if He didn’t make rules and then follow them, then we’d have general chaos. Even the Big Boss Down Under, BBDU, appreciates that part.”

  Danny explained more,“A girl was deposited in hell, and she was the final soul or the soul that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. She was the one who caused hell to technically be full.”

  “He said it wasn’t literally full as in wall-to-wall stuffed, but full as in some mathematical equation that was complicated; he pointed out that math was hell, and we nodded in agreement on that part.”

  “ Because of the circumstances,” he said, “there was some question as to whether she, the final girl, should have gone to hell or been forgiven after doing some time in purgatory, or at least that’s what the Holy Attorneys claimed.”

  “Heaven has attorneys?” Cory asked.

  “Sure. But few actually. Hell gets almost all of them,” Danny said.

  To make it all simpler, the Holy Attorneys decided that they would get the girl out, and then there would be one space open, renovations could take place, and the dead would stay down below. That would easily solve all the issues. However, there were some more rules that interfered with that.

  “More rules,” Dana rolled her eyes.

  “Souls can’t just pop in and out of hell like that. People can’t be allowed to just…leave. Think of the mess that would cause if a soul could walk out at any time, even with permission. Utter massive chaos, I tell you. We’d have a real mess. Even BBDU doesn’t like that idea.”

  “Makes sense,” I said. I guessed that even in hell, there had to be rules and organization.

  Danny nodded, “So a certain key is required for her to leave. Therein lies the problem, see? Someone has to go down there and give it to her so she can use it.As you know, BBDU and his demons are very powerful, and so are the souls down there. It wouldn’t be safe for one of the Holy Ones to run around in hell because they would be targets, and there is no way we could cover up their auras.”

  “Auras?” Annie asked.

  “Yes. We all have them. Remember haloes: the light around people’s heads? That is really an exaggeration, but auras are haloes.”

  “You have one; everyone has one when he is alive or holy. Some are golden or white, and some are colored if the person has a special gift. It’s an electrometric field; that is all.”

  “Really? We have them?” I spun to stare hard at Dana, and then Coral; I saw nothing. The others didn’t have anything around their heads either. Stupid man probably was just saying it to confuse me.”

  “ Alice, yours is very bright white. It’s the brightest, biggest electromagnetic field, or aura, we have seen. It means you have a very powerful spirit, but it also means that physically, you are lacking.”

  “Well, thanks so much,” I sneered at Virgil. What an asshole. Like he had to tell me that in front of everyone?

  “They aren’t protected? The Angels?” Dana asked, changing the subject.

  “Of course, they are, but not there they aren’t.

  When the Big Boss threw BBDU out, well, He gave the guy dominion, see? Rules.

  If the top guys appeared in hell to get the girl out, they’d be seen by millions of demons and attacked. Way too risky. I mean Michael could lead them, and they would win, but it would be a big battle, and everything would be a mess for a long time.

  Right now, only a few of us know who she is. If BBDU found out, or when he finds out, he’ll send his minions to tempt her, and we won’t be able to get her back then and well….”

  “The dead will inherit the earth,” Cory said, “I get it. Zombies. That’s really wacked. If the chick stays in hell, we get a zombie apocalypse.”

  Danny reminded us that action would be unpleasant for everyone, but Cory loved zombie books and movies and was really into role-playing games on the computer that killed zombies.

  Danny quoted from a series called Z is for Zombie all the time, he claimed that was the end-all about zombie invasions, and he used it to prepare. Cory was kind of excited about a fight with Zs.

  “This isn’t like books and movies. They stink, Cory. Yuk. And we’d all have to fight instead of working here and eating sweet potato fries,” Annie said.

  Cory looked askance, “That would suck.”

  Pax broke in, “And you came to ask Alice to take the key to the girl so she can get out. If she does, then hell expands, and we are zombie free.”

  “That’s pretty much how it is,” Virgil said.

  Dana shook her head, “Again, why Alice? And that sounds dangerous to me.”

  Well, it did to me as well. Movies showed hell as a burning place full of terrible monsters. I told Danny how I felt.

  Danny shrugged, “Fire is fairly limited to the Eternal Pit of Fire, as opposed to the Eternal Pit of Shit or the Eternal Pit of Puke. Those who are tossed in those places are in a world of sh… well, you get what I mean.”

  “It’s terribly dangerous,” Coral said, “and I did say to you Alice surely doesn’t have to do this mission. In fact, I would say to tell Danny no, but Alice has to hear the facts and decide for herself.”

  “Free will,” Annie added.

  Danny used his hand as a pistol and pointed at her as if he were thumbing the hammer back. He made a clucking noise, “You are sharp, Annie.”

  I didn’t believe this, but then I wasn’t really into all the reasons why I didn’t believe it.

  The first thought in my head was that if it were true, I was about the most unlikely person on earth to ask to do such a thing.

  Some might be curious, but I wasn’t in the least. I told Danny, “I’m not a likely candidate, am I? Seriously. If you knew me….”

  “We do know you, Alice. We have researched you, looked at pictures, and read about you. We know you better than you know yourself in some ways,” Virgil told us.

  “Creepy,” I said.

  Chapter 4: Alice’s Story

  I kicked off my sneakers and waved my white socks at Cory, begging him to rub my feet since I was sitting here listening to this, entertaining him. I texted home to say I was working late so Dad would go on to bed.

  While I did that, Coral got Danny some vegetable juice and refilled our glasses. He handed Limmerfer a little bowl of milk.

  After my shifts on Friday and Saturday nights, my dad always stayed up late to rub my feet.I would sit at one end of the sofa munching popcorn or nachos and sipping cola while he ru
bbed my feet, alternating stories he told me.

  For a while, night after night, he cautioned about my not caring for my feet properly as only a podiatrist can while listing every bone in my foot and toes.

  Then, he would tell me funny stories about when I was a baby and then back to cautionary tales based on foot problems he saw every day in the city.

  Dad could list every popular style shoe and tell me exactly how each deformed women’s feet. He could figure out the pounds of pressure on a foot by looking at the shoe, guessing at the woman’s weight, and doing the math. Mom and I wore Birkenstocks or sneakers so he didn’t fuss at us.

  I always went to bed relaxed with less-sore feet than before he worked on them. Good thing I wasn’t ticklish. Mom always flitted in and out of the den, asking questions about who had eaten what that night and laughing at me when I yelped as Dad hit a particularly tender spot.

  My parents are the best.

  Cory gave up complaining and rubbed my feet. He wasn’t an expert, and it wasn’t nearly soothing enough, but it was better than aching.

  To retaliate a little, he asked, “Yeah, why Alice? She’s clumsy and out of shape. Especially her feet.”

  I dug a heel into his crotch, making him wince.

  Danny put took a long drink of his juice, smacked his lips, and kind of wiggled his nose, “Many reasons. For one, I already have said Alice has an aura like no other. I don’t have anything to do with that but only can say hers is strong and bright.”

  “Yay me,” I sulked.

  “Another reason is Dana. If you recall, a little over a year ago, she was in the hospital.”

  Dana shifted uncomfortably, “Let’s not go into that. It was a bad time for me, and I….”

  No doubt she was remembering the pain she had been through. After returning from college, she suffered a massive pelvic infection and hemorrhaging that had almost taken her life.

  I drove to the city every other day to see her, sitting by her bed, hoping and praying she would survive. It was a close call before the antibiotics took effect and two weeks passed before she was released to come home.